Why do men push away women they actually like?

Men often push away a good partner because they do not feel worthy of her. As Paul explains in this episode, the voice in the back of his head kept saying this is too good to be true - and the easiest way to confirm that story was to leave before being left. Recognizing that pattern is the first step to breaking it.

What is the ice cream communication exercise Paul mentions?

The exercise is simple: pick a word you both use often and ask each other what you picture. Paul and Nancy use it with couples to show that the same word can mean completely different things. When you stop assuming and start asking, most relationship conflicts lose half their fuel immediately.

How do you keep a long-term relationship interesting?

Paul and Nancy swear by three things: doing activities together, being fully present without phones, and reflecting honestly on how each of you is showing up. They also keep learning new things as a couple - from getting motorbike licenses to beekeeping - which keeps genuine curiosity alive.

Is it normal to take years before fully committing to a partner?

Yes, and Paul is a good example. It took him four years and a trip to Egypt before he knew with certainty that Nancy was the one. The question is whether you are willing to stay curious and keep growing through that time, rather than running from the discomfort of getting close.

How long should couples coaching actually take?

Paul and Nancy work in trajectories of six months to a year - never longer. As Paul puts it, if a client is still with you after twelve years, you have not done your job. The goal is to give people the tools to move forward on their own, not to create dependency on the coach.

11 Years Together: What Actually Keeps Love Alive

Show notes

About This Episode

Paul and his wife Nancy have been together for over 11 years. They met on Tinder in the early days, before algorithms and paywalls took over. In this conversation, Paul sits down with Charmaine to talk about what actually makes a long-term relationship work - and what almost made him walk away from the best thing that ever happened to him.

Key Topics Covered

Why Paul nearly ended things after just three months - and what his mother said that changed everything
The connection between receiving love and self-worth: why so many men (especially in Western cultures) find it hard to simply accept what someone gives them
How unclear language quietly destroys relationships - and the ice cream exercise Paul and Nancy use with couples in their practice
Why staying childlike and curious is one of the most powerful things you can do for your relationship
Paul's take on the rising divorce rate in the Netherlands - and what it has to do with housing shortages and social benefits
The one agreement Paul and Nancy made at the start of their relationship that kept them choosing each other every single day

The Ice Cream Exercise

Paul shares one of the most practical tools from his couples coaching work: ask your partner what they picture when you say a simple word like "ice cream." One person sees a small cone, the other sees three scoops with whipped cream and stracciatella. Same word, completely different meaning. This exercise reveals how much miscommunication in relationships comes down to assumed definitions - and it works just as well on a first date as it does after ten years together.

Three Things That Keep Relationships Alive

Do things together - shared activity creates genuine connection
Be fully present - no phones, no half-attention
Reflect honestly - ask questions without turning them into attacks

About Paul

Paul and his wife Nancy run a couples coaching and therapy practice together. They work with couples at every stage - from the edge of divorce to partners who simply want to go deeper. Paul draws on the work of Nagy, founder of contextual therapy, whose core insight is that all of life is about giving and receiving.

Full transcript

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